In our online therapist training course with Jules Shore, Experiential Therapy Techniques: A Neurobiological Approach to Self-Compassion Therapy, you’ll get a wealth of bonus material to support you as a therapist and to help you expand upon the theme of boundary work psychotherapy clients.
Here we share some notes from the bonus video training with Jules based on the Time Out Map by Terry Real (used with permission in the course material). Enjoy this excerpt and synopsis on this valuable tool for boundary work with client couples.
From Jules Shore:
“What we’re doing is we’re really increasing safety. So it may be that the couple who has come to see me really does have some communication issues. Maybe they really do need to work on holding vulnerability and nuance inside their interactions. Maybe we have quite a lot of boundary work we’re going to need to do with our couples work. Of course we have to have a baseline of safety.
So if anyone’s feeling threatened in a situation, if anyone’s feeling out of control of their own system in the situation, that is not a space where there’s safety. So [taking a time out] is going to give us automatic safety. When I’m teaching this, one important thing to think about is how containing and psychological boundary work is going to show up on both sides. So if I’m the one calling the time out, notice, this is an executed boundary. I am saying, “Eh,” and I’m walking out of the room.
So I am executing a boundary… what I’m noticing is that I have lost my containing boundary. I’m not going to be able to stop myself from saying something I regret. I don’t want to do that, so I call the time out. When I call the time out, the words that I want that time out to communicate to my partner are this: “My love, I respect you, I love you. Our relationship means so much to me that there is no way I’m going to let it turn nasty or harsh between us right now. So because I cannot contain myself, I am going to go ahead and step out and I’ll be back when I can be calm.” So that’s what that means, time out.
The 8 Steps of Time Outs for Couples Therapy Client Boundary Work (Jules Shore)
1. Why do we use time outs in couples boundary work?
Time outs increase safety. So, if we are feeling unsafe or like our own actions will violate the boundaries of our partner or ourselves, or cause harm, or we feel out of control, a time out is a good way to take a break, gain control and feel safe enough to interact again.
2. When do we use time outs as a couple?
We use timeouts to stop any kind of interaction that feels really scary or off the rails to either person.
3. Who calls the time out?
Either of the persons in the interaction can call the timeout and it is unilateral, meaning that one person gets to call it with no option for the other person to say they don’t want a timeout. No one gets to stop the other from taking a time out. One is not asking for permission to take a time out.
4. How does a person call a time out to protect psychological boundaries?
The couple agrees on a phrase and gesture for calling timeout. It should be simple and short. One can say, “Time out,” and give the “T” symbol, or something similar and mutually agreed upon in advance.
5. Do we need to have or give a reason for the time out?
Calling a timeout is taken from the I position and explained via taking responsibility for personal needs or limits, such as: “I know that this interaction is not going well and I will not be able to control myself if I stay in it.”
6. How long is a time out in couples boundary work?
The default interval for a time out is 20 minutes. You can specify something else if you like. But if no time is specified, 20 minutes is given before the first check in. Checking in does not necessarily mean getting back together. You can check in – either in person or by telephone
7. What if the person who called the timeout needs more time?
A person, upon checking in, can express to their partner that they need more time. With each extension, the time out interval gets longer. The recommended length between check-ins (via Terry Real’s Time Out Map) is:
– Twenty minutes
– 1 to 2 hours
– Half a day
– A whole day
– Overnight
8. When does a couple resume the subject they took a time out from?
Once a time out has ended, once the person who called the time out comes back, saying “I’m back,” or something similar, and the subject is not brought up for a day, having positive interaction for a day. Then, the person who called the time out takes responsibility for bringing the subject up again.
Jules goes a bit more in depth and offers helpful examples in the couples boundary work training video on time outs, but we hope this excerpt and synopsis is helpful to you while working the client therapist boundaries and the types of psychological boundaries in your therapy practice.
Visit the informational page for Jules Shore’s online therapist course and learn about what is included in the course material, and the various bonuses you will receive. We look forward to seeing you in the course!
Join Juliane Taylor Shore for a FREE 90-minute webinar
Experiential Therapy Techniques: A Neurobiological Approach to Self-Compassion Therapy
During the webinar, you will learn:
A practice to increase self-compassion towards yourself as you do your work so you can both embody and benefit from self-acceptance.
The neurobiological difference between empathy and compassion so you keep use them judiciously in practice.
How to set up experiential practices so clients can discover and experience self-compassion.
Juliane Taylor Shore, LPC, LMFT, SEP (AKA Jules) is a therapist and trainer of therapists in Austin, Texas. She specializes in applying Interpersonal Neurobiology to the healing of trauma and the creation of relational health with clients she sees. She uses her knowledge of the brain and the implicit mind to go decisively to the root of the issue with gentleness and depth. Jules has been a specialist in trauma recovery and in couples counseling for 12 years, and loves to work experientially because that is how to meet and invite shifts in the implicit mind. She wants to help people find the love, connection, and grace they have always longed for, both in themselves and with each other.
