When we’re struggling, what we most need is a friend to sit down with us to talk. But as we all know, we don’t need (or want) our friend to be brilliant, or give us advice. The most powerful thing they can give us–perhaps even more powerful than their sympathy–is simply the gift of these words: “I’m here.”
There’s something about just being witnessed, and shown up for, and known, and come alongside of, and joined – it’s the most comforting, resourcing thing we can receive. As therapists, especially as we are becoming master therapists, this in turn is the most comforting, resourcing thing we can give our clients.
There are so many brilliant clinicians who are talking about presence. We’ll talk about some of their ideas in the course. Diana Fosha, Bonnie Badenoch, Pat Ogden, Daniel Siegel -they are real masters at presence. I love some of the terms they use.
For instance the term embedded relational mindfulness, from Pat Ogden. Embedded relational mindfulness. I think that’s beautiful.
Shift From Avoidance to Engagement
For me, the bottom line is this: It is only when we can be fully present with another person–thereby inviting them to be present with themself–that the real work of therapy can happen. I think of this work as the ‘work of the mind’. And at the center of this work is a shift from avoidance to engagement.
After all it is engagement with another person (and the way they template engagement with ourselves) that allows us to engage with what is. What is internally…what is externally…what is between. This shift from avoidance to engagement is so important…whether we are engaging in the work of solving deep problems, or answering deep questions, or building deep relationships. We can do none of those things without being willing to turn toward.
But what does this engagement–this capacity to turn toward–have to do with presence? I’d love to answer that question from both an attachment lens, as well as a positive psychology lens.
First let me mention a similarity between attachment theory and positive psychology. To highlight the similarity, imagine a continuum of human experiences, from the most negatively valenced like shame, terror, or anxiety, all the way through to the most positively valenced like pleasure, gratitude, love or joy. Both attachment theory and positive psychology teach us that along that continuum, our brain state shifts from one where avoidance is most adaptive, toward one in which opening is most adaptive.
Let’s look at the negative side of this continuum first. When we are under stress, it makes more sense to avoid. This avoidance may take a form that is more active (think of fight or flight) or more passive (think of how feeling stressed tends to shut down our impulse to play and connect…possibly even leading to depression). On this negative side of the continuum, the presence of a ‘true other’ is so important because it makes us feel safer, and more tended. This softens the need for avoidance and allows us to inch toward more opening and groundedness.
How does this work on the positive side of the continuum? Well, as we move from simply feeling okay (no longer threatened or stressed), to feeling truly content, at ease, perhaps even joyful, the brain opens even further. It goes beyond simply stepping out of avoidance, and opens the neural pathways for true creativity, intelligence, and connecting the dots. When we feel good, our brain literally can’t help but take in more context…and to see things in all their complexity (I think of this as the deepest form of engaging what is). And here again–it is all about the therapist’s presence. Why? Because connection feels good!! It does more than offer us a secure base so we can turn toward rather than away, it also engenders incredibly positive emotions. And it is these emotions that entice our brain to come fully online. When our brain is in a state of ease (even celebration), it organizes itself around play, exploration, and wonder, and new possibilities. Here the ‘work of the mind’ takes on even deeper dimensions of growth and healing.
Therapist Presence Leads to Deeper Therapeutic Integration
The reason that that whole concept is important in this conversation about presence, is that no matter where we are on the continuum, the thing that will most powerfully move us in the expansive direction, whether it’s from fear to security, or from security to even deeper states of pleasure and connection, and joy, is human relationship. In true moments of meeting, where my mind and your mind witness each other, that is the thing that will resource us and help us move along on this continuum. Not only so that we feel better, but more importantly, so that we open to deeper states of integration, complexity, and potential…
In a future article, we’ll explore more deeply about what presence is. But, if you’re ready to learn more about how to be truly present with your psychotherapy clients and grow your clinical practice as a master therapist, we invite you to read what is included in Tori’s online course for therapists: Becoming a Master Therapist: A Deliberate Practice Approach.
JOIN a FREE Training with Dr. Tori Olds
Introduction to Deliberate Practice in Psychotherapy
In this video series, you will learn:
The essential problem with most other therapy training programs.
Six myths about becoming a more effective therapist.
What Deliberate Practice is and why it is so important
The five steps on the roadmap for clinical excellence
