Asking for a Teenage Client’s Name and Pronouns, Sarah Burgamy, Psy.D.

When working with gender diversity in counseling and exploring gender identity in therapy, one important aspect is asking for your teenage client’s name and pronouns. 

If we as therapists have never questioned our gender identity or expression, we may feel a little hesitant relating to this process in others. However, gender is universal and each one of us, regardless of our relationship to the gender we were assigned to at birth, has the ability to familiarize ourselves with and apply supportive inquiry and language in a caring way. 

Exploring Gender Identity in Therapy with Name and Pronouns

One way that we can support our teenage therapy clients in exploring and asserting new gender identity and gender expression, is by giving them a safe place to be seen and heard–including responding to them with their preferred name and pronouns.. 

Within the family system, we may encounter dissonance related to how a teenager is called. Some parents or caregivers may be resistant to using new pronouns or respecting a teen’s wish to use a name different from what was given to them as a newborn. 

Asking a Teenage Client’s Name and Pronouns

In the bonus material for the online training for therapists Everything You Wanted To Know about Gender-Competence But Were Afraid to Ask!, Sarah Burgamy, Psy.D. models for us how to speak with a teenager about their gender, and how to ask a teenager their name and pronouns. Her example videos include important notes about observing the family dynamic and providing a welcoming space for the teenage client to share their preferred name and pronouns.

Here are a few key steps:

1. Observe the family dynamics in the waiting area. 

Note how the teenager is referred to, what name each parent or caregiver offers for the teenager, and how the teen and each caregiver seems to react to the introduction.

2. Acknowledge these dynamics privately with your teenage client

Once privately in session with your teenage client, offer what you noticed in an open and gentle way as to help the client feel seen, welcome, and in a safe place. Noting a caregiver’s use of their name, and how the teen client seems to have responded is a good start.

3. Ask your teenage client’s name

Ask how the adolescent wishes to be referred to during the session, and also how they would like you to refer to them in front of their parents or caregivers – this is the adolescent’s choice. It is not our job to influence parents in a way that may not be comfortable for teen therapy clients. 

Here’s an example from Sarah’s demonstration video (one of the bonus modeling tools provided to you as soon as you start the online therapist training course):

“I noticed when I introduced myself, you were pretty quiet and your parents kind of spoke for you and they offered a name. And if I’m reading your body language correctly, when we were out there, I wasn’t sure whether that was altogether comfortable. So I wanted to actually just sit down in here by ourselves and ask you how you’d like me to refer to you or what name you use.”

4. Asking your teenage client’s pronouns

When asking for pronouns, keep it simple. “And what are your preferred pronouns?” Affirm for the client that you’ll of course use their preferred pronouns in session together, and ask if this is how the client would like to be referred to when spoken about to their parents or caregivers. Some clients will say yes, and some will say no. It is important to ask, then respect their wishes 100%

5. Get context for family dynamics related to gender identity and changes of name or pronouns

Ask your teenage client if they have told their parents they wish to be called by this name and these pronouns. When did they inform or request this of their parents? Is there anything your teenage client wants you to know about this communication?

Asking a teenage client’s name and pronouns has much more meaning than any other simple question. It is a way to understand the deeper needs of the client, thus empowering them to feel safe in and outside of therapy. 

As mentioned, we explore teenager names and pronouns and much more in the gender diversity therapist training, an online course with continuing education credits for therapists by Sarah Burgamy offered here on Academy of Therapy Wisdom. We invite you to explore the course offering and to empower yourself to feel confident and knowledgeable when working with clients of all genders.

Join FREE video of Sarah Burgamy, Psy.D.

When Your Client is Non-binary: Gender Diversity for Therapists

In this webinar, you will learn about:

What pronoun do you use for a non-binary person? Understand the significance behind each choice and the validation it offers.

Non-binary therapy strategies that cater specifically to non-binary clients, ensuring their experiences are validated and their needs addressed.

Nonbinary client psychotherapy with real-world examples, offering therapists tangible solutions and techniques.

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